Thanksgiving table-talk tips | Hamer | Mercer Island Reporter

Hey, it’s Thanksgiving week again! Time for families and friends to gather around the dinner table to feast on fabulous food and have nice conversations about what we are most thankful for.

First, let’s hold hands and say grace. Oh, wait, we have to start by putting down our cellphones. Seriously, no phones at the table. That means you, Grandma!

Grampy has some new rules this year. And since I’m sitting at the head of the table, I get to enforce them. If you violate the rules, no wine for you, Uncle Jack! You’ll have to sit at the card table with the kids and drink sparkling cider.

Okay, there are three categories of permissible conversation during dinner: Do’s, Maybe’s and Don’ts. Think of them like a traffic light: green, yellow and red. Here they are.

GREEN LIGHT

These are topics we can all agree on and won’t cause any arguments.

FOOD: We all agree that this dinner is delicious. The turkey is perfectly roasted, the stuffing is savory, the mashed potatoes are fluffy. Grandmama’s asparagus casserole and orange halves stuffed with sweet potatoes are actually edible this year. And there are giblets in the gravy! A toast to all the cooks in the family who helped prepare the meal.

FOOTBALL: Yes, that game went on too long, but it kept all the men in the TV room while the women did the real work in the kitchen and the kids played their video games — if they weren’t fighting over who’d get the drumsticks. No hitting, you guys!

TRAFFIC: It’s worse everywhere despite all the new mass transit. Takes forever to get anywhere. So much construction. Won’t they ever finish anything? And those LED headlights blind you at night. Meanwhile, everybody runs stop signs. And don’t get me started on bikers. Oh, sorry, Cousin Doug. Buy a car.

PRICES: Everything costs too much. Gas, groceries, housing, rents. Inflation has been terrible. How can anyone afford to live these days? Prices are unbelievable. Please pass the wine, Jack. What do you mean, it’s all gone?

YELLOW LIGHT

These are topics we can discuss, but we must be careful to respect each other’s opinions. Got that? Civil discourse. Listen first, then put yourself in the other person’s shoes. No eye rolling or snickers — unless you want that leftover Halloween candy bar. (Haha: Granddad joke!)

SCHOOLS: Our education system has some major problems, for sure. They spend lots of money and the results aren’t very good. Public schools or private schools? Charters or home schooling? Vouchers. Teachers. Unions. It’s a minefield out there. Many opinions, no easy answers.

IMMIGRATION: Hey, this is a global problem, not just on our borders. Yes, the government has failed to address it over many years. Both parties are to blame to some extent. Will a tall wall solve it? Tougher enforcement? Hiring restrictions? Mass deportations? Why are so many immigrants dying to come here? Is the American Dream still alive? Hey, didn’t Enrique do a good job trimming the trees and mowing the lawn? He’s from Guatemala, you know. Legally!

HOMELESSNESS: Driving into Seattle is depressing, isn’t it? So many homeless people living in tents, taking drugs, sleeping outside, committing crimes. Many are clearly addicted and/or mentally ill. The city has spent millions of dollars on the problem, with dubious results. Leaders constantly argue about the best solutions, but it seems hopeless sometimes. Could you pass the gravy, please?

RED LIGHT

LGBTQ ISSUES: Hey, this is important stuff, but can be sensitive. We all love our gay and lesbian friends and family members. Some are probably sitting around the table. We also know a few couples who have open marriages. And we know a few teenagers who are trans — although some have changed their minds. But hormones? Surgery? That may be going too far. Want seconds? Breast or thigh?

POLITICS: Hooray, the elections are finally over. We probably voted for different candidates. Trump or Harris? Reichert or Ferguson? You win some, you lose some. Now we just have to move on and make the best of it. So let’s not rehash all the old issues. It’s over. Either you’re free to enjoy your victory or you’re now the “loyal opposition” and pledge to try harder next time. Fine. But no arguing over the results at this dinner table. (BTW, I didn’t vote for him or her, so don’t blame me!)

RELIGION: We’re not a church-going family. We may or may not be Christian. I’m probably agnostic. None of us is Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, or any other specific faith. We may believe in God, a Higher Power, a guru, shaman, or whatever. Just follow the Golden Rule, OK? And don’t try to convert anyone.

DESSERT: Well, now that you’ve heard all the rules, you seem to have cleaned your plates. It’s time for dessert. Who wants what kind of pie? Pumpkin? Pecan? Apple? Mincemeat? My grandmother made a great mincemeat pie. Google it, kids. Find your phones. Ice cream? Whipped cream?

Now we’re talking! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

John Hamer is a former Seattle Times editor and columnist who has lived on Mercer Island for 25 years. He has two stepsons, two daughters-in-law, and four grandchildren. He and his wife use her mother’s china and his mother’s silver at Thanksgiving.