Guilt is a powerful motivator. It helps to shape our behavior, both consciously and unconsciously.

Guilt can drive us to do the right thing, even when you don’t want to. It can shape how you choose to interact and react to others. But, at times, it can become a barrier. If you do something over and over only because of guilt, then it can lead to resentful feelings.

Guilt comes up as a major theme many times when I talk with clients and families about caregiving issues — often, in an emotionally unhelpful way. The guilty feelings often get in the way of truly deciding how, when, where, and who will provide the best care for their loved ones. In many cases, feelings of guilt can lead to feelings of shame and “I am a bad person if I don’t … (fill in the blank here).” Providing care for an older adult can be rewarding and draining all at the same time. It really is OK to take some time to think about whether you are the right person to do this job. Guilty and shameful feelings usually do not help the caregiver provide good care. It can wear down your good intentions and energy.

This dilemma of guilt and the subsequent anxiety that it can cause can be addressed. Taking time to explore the reason for your guilt can help to give perspective. With perspective, one can try to resolve their guilt and move forward with a decision or plan — or, in some cases, have a better understanding of why you are doing something. Being comfortable with whatever decision you make prevents guilt from turning into resentment.

Now, guilt can also be used as a tool. In some cases, the last resort to get someone to do something they don’t want to do is to heap on the guilt nice and thick. Daughter to mother: “I am losing sleep at night because I worry you are not safe living home alone without help.” But sometimes this tool can be manipulative. Mother to daughter: “I never get any help in this place when you are not here.” Of course, using guilt as a tool will only work if the receiver takes on the guilt and then is motivated to change their behavior.

As kids we learn early about guilt and how it is used. “Eat your vegetables; there are starving people in (insert country here).” Getting support and resolving guilt along the way helps to strengthen your ability to tackle new guilt as it comes up. Knowing how to tackle your guilt is a more envious place to be than just suffering through it.

Betsy Zuber, geriatric specialist, has been working in the field of aging for 18 years. She provides social services for Island residents 55+ and their families. Contact her at (206) 275-7752, betsy.zuber@mercergov.org, or mail MIYFS 2040 84th Ave. S.E., Mercer Island, Wash., 98040. Mercer Island Youth & Family Services is a department of the City of Mercer Island.