Dear YFS,

For the past two years, I have thought my spouse has a problem with alcohol. He drinks most evenings and sometimes “falls asleep” on the couch, but I see that he’s really passed out.

Recently, on vacation over spring break he got drunk and lost it with our boys (14 and 17). This experience was unlike the others. I can tell my sons were scared of him. My husband apologized, like usual, and blamed having had too much to drink. I see alcohol getting in the way of our intimacy as well.

I want to get counseling but does he need to deal with his drinking first?

KJ

Dear KJ,

I’m glad you are thinking about what to do — problem drinking and any substance abuse drains the caring and closeness from spousal and family relationships. From the information you’ve provided, alcohol addiction is a real possibility.

Alcoholism is a disease, but unlike typical medical issues, one of its primary symptoms is denial that there is a problem. The addicted brain changes its thinking so that getting the chemical that it is used to becomes a priority. It changes the way we think (called “stinky thinking” in recovery groups) and makes excuses like those you are reporting hearing from your husband.

First, let me say that recovery from addiction is absolutely possible and family wounds can heal. However, for change to happen here, you will need to be strong and insist on some things.

Your spouse must hear that he was out of bounds, that he may not frighten your children again and that you want him to see an addictions professional. Expect resistance because treatment means no alcohol — and that sets off alarm bells in a user’s brain.

Let’s assume your husband is suffering from alcohol addiction. Some mental health counselors will insist he get into recovery before entering counseling, others will work with him. If he agrees to treatment, great. Support him! If not, try mental health counseling.

If he throws up a wall to any kind of help, get counseling support for yourself and your kids.

Also, your kids need to hear loud and clear from you that dad’s behavior is not their fault and that there is a real problem in the family — they are not dumb or crazy to think this themselves. Neither are you.

In short, people living with addiction will deal with it their whole lives — either when using or in recovery. Whether the reality of his unacceptable behavior this time is enough to spur him to enter treatment might depend not only on his strength, but also on yours.

To help your family through this, if that is your path, then expect needing a lot of patience, tough love and resilience.

Recovery from addiction is a process. By asking this question, your family is already on the road.

Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov. org.