Dear Youth and Family Services,

My wife and I recently divorced and it is not amicable, she can be narcissistic and mean. At first she was going to move off the Island and I was going to stay in our house with the boys. She has decided to continue to live on the Island so we can both “support our kids.” I think her deciding to stay on the Island is her way of trying to have control over how I parent. I disagree quite a bit with her parenting style but don’t know how to address that with her or with the kids. How do I tell the kids that our houses won’t be the same and make this OK with them?

Robert N.

Dear Robert,

Your situation sounds difficult and it’s great that you are thinking ahead to the parenting experience your boys will be having as they move into a two household situation. A couple of things strike me as I read your question: the first is establishing yourself as a single parent who has his own parenting style, and the second is communicating cleanly and respectfully about any differences between you and your ex-wife. Even in amicable divorces, parenting styles often do not match.

Regarding establishing your household and parenting style, start with addressing the situation openly. Let your boys know what they can expect at your home regarding household rules, expectations and schedules. It will be especially important to proactively address any areas for potential conflict: screen time, curfews, allowance, time with friends, chores.

Establishing guidelines and engaging in open discussions as early and as positively as possible will let your boys know there will be active parenting and predictability. Depending on your childrens’ ages, allow them to have age-appropriate amounts of participation and input in these discussions. If your boys sense your guidelines and expectations are for their well-being, (not just arbitrary or to be different from another parent) they are far more likely to feel this and respond in kind with goodwill.

There are many very helpful resources out there to help you in this new single-dad journey. One of the best resources is Parent Map, www.parentmap.com/ the free monthly news magazine (online and hard copy) for parents in the Puget Sound area of the Pacific Northwest — look under the parenting tab. You will find a lot of information related to parenting classes, lectures, articles and resources for counseling or coaching. If you need any specific referral, you can also call the YFS office and ask to speak with the clinical supervisor who can provide information.

Regarding the second issue — clean and respectful communication around parenting. From your description of your ex-wife it is clear that you have had some challenges with her. For the short-, and especially long-term, well-being of your children, and for their development into responsible young men, it is crucial that your children not pick up on disrespect or put-downs from you toward your ex-wife, their mother. Your children love you and her. Tension or disrespect from either of you towards the other will feel bad to them and add more stress to their transition. Your children need to see you exercise good judgment and self-control during this stressful time in your life. Your example will teach them about how they should act when they are adults. If you need any support, coaching or counseling with this, both of the above resources can help you with this too.

Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources. Answers are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like Cindy to answer in this column, email miyfs@mercergov. org.