Dear YFS,

My wife and I (together with our parents) can afford to give our kids everything they need — private school, “stuff,” activities, vacations and more. However, we try to keep their perspective in check and avoid the material traps of affluence. How do we balance providing the best we can for our kids and spoiling them — especially here on Mercer Island?

HL

Dear HL,

We regularly hear this type of question from Island parents. This issue is multifaceted but it’s very important to remember that providing many resources and opportunities is not, in itself, equated with being “spoiled.” There are many generous, humble and considerate children who come from a background of abundance.

Instead, being “spoiled” can be tied to a lack of clear expectations for appropriate behavior and accountability for enforcing these limits by parents, caregivers, teachers, neighbors and other adults in the community.

I asked our professional counseling staff who work with parents on this issue. Their suggestions include model appropriate behavior, set appropriate limits and enforce natural consequences, expose youth to individuals and communities with fewer resources and help youth develop a sense of purpose.

The primary way children learn appropriate behavior is by observing their parents or caregivers. Children watch a parent’s treatment of their partner, friends and relatives. Outside the home, remember you are still on “audition” as you interact with neighbors, retail staff and public servants. The child learns pro-social behaviors such as kindness, respect, generosity and self-control from watching their parents — traits that buffer a tendency to behave “spoiled.”

Affluent kids have many unique options, such as to play before work. If you are concerned your kids get the wrong message when the yard service can be heard outside while they are relaxing with a little screen time before running out for practice, make a point to talk about this directly and share family values.

Every child also needs limits to allow them to anticipate consequences of their actions — an important foundation for moral development. Limits should be age appropriate, re-enforced consistently and maintained with respect.

Affluent parents must be careful to not rescue kids from natural consequences of poor choices just because they can. While an attorney might make sense in court, going that route for a school code infraction or minor legal misstep can send the wrong message — a difficult decision, but one that deserves thought.

Exposing children to a variety of communities of varying wealth and possessions will help them better understand their own position. As one elementary school counselor suggests, “Expose kids to those with less or in need. Have them help run a food drive, help at food lifeline, collect and donate toys — anything that builds empathy, and increases their action towards caring and compassion.”

One goal is for children to realize they don’t need “things” to be happy. Rather, create opportunity for them to experience the richness that comes from genuine connection with others.

And perhaps most importantly, be sure your child is developing a sense of purpose. A YFS family counselor notes, “all the money and affluence in the world does not equal happiness if the child does not see meaning to their world.”

Ask “what’s important to you” and “what do you want to do” and help develop their skills and abilities related to their answer, not based on an external definition of “success.” Allow a child’s identity and purpose to be discovered, not prescribed.

No child is inherently “spoiled.” However, affluent parents should embrace the resources they can afford their kids while being mindful of the unique pitfalls of wealth and modify their parenting accordingly.

The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov.org.