Dear YFS,

My son is finishing his first year of middle school. As expected, he is learning a lot about relationships, but is struggling with making friends, dealing with social dynamics and coping with social rejection. This seems to cause a lot of sadness. How do I know the difference between pre-teen moodiness and actual depression?

Hard Knocks or Get Help

Dear HKGH,

What a great question—and one that the YFS Middle School counselor Harry Brown and his colleagues at YFS discuss quite often.

You are quite right to suggest there can be a fine line between extreme emotions common in adolescence and those that meet the standard for clinical depression. What makes this determination even trickier, is that identifying depression in youth requires looking at the impact their emotional state has on daily functioning while taking into account their developmental stage.

Has your son been feeling especially guilty or worthless? Does he experience insomnia, fatigue, or decreased concentration? Is your teen persistently irritable, easily bored, or act recklessly? If you are thinking, “well, yes, and so are most of his friends who are hitting puberty,” then you have landed upon the challenge.

Especially with teens, who are already going through so many hormonal, emotional and developmental changes, identifying when a sad or irritable mood needs professional intervention (rather than a parenting “time out”) is a challenge.

Counselors will explore a teen’s history, family dynamics, medical issues, and full range of emotions to put the depressed feelings in context. They also will rule out suicidal thoughts or behaviors and explore interpersonal dynamics; rejection, social isolation or bullying, are a few examples.

Part of my point, HKGH, is that sometimes it really does take a trained professional to answer your question.

Does that mean that whenever your son is sad, you ask for a consultation with the school counselor, Mr. Brown? No. However, it does mean that you should continue to talk with your son about his feelings to get a handle on what approaches a “normal” feeling state for an adolescent.

You can explain and put in context what some of the social pressures or life transitions looks like and ask directly if he is experiencing any of these. Share your perception of his mood and ask how closely that aligns with what he is really feeling on the inside.

In youth, depression can be expressed as irritability or crankiness (outside of being frustrated), so be sure to notice that as well. If he says he is or seems to be depressed (think changed mood and behavior for two weeks or more), consult with a professional. (And always ask directly and without judgement if he had ever thought of hurting himself.)

Use your parenting instinct—if your “gut” says his feelings are outside of what you would expect for your child, consult with a professional counselor or medical provider. The “hard knocks” of the middle school years are both an opportunity for emotional development as well as a significant challenge.

It is hard to know your child’s capacity for resilience when they are changing and growing so fast, so go for a second opinion. If it’s nothing; no harm is done. If it’s depression; you will be glad you did.

Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov.org.