Dear YFS,

My oldest child is about to enter middle school. My wife and I have agreed to “no phones until middle school,” and here we are. However, there is so much junk online and we hear so many stories about cyberbullying, stalking and the like. Do we delay giving phones, or suck it up and really educate and prepare our child?

BW

Dear BW,

You are asking a question common for many parents. Cell phones make life with middle school children easier in many ways — coordinating schedules, staying connected and communicating. They also come with many concerns that require additional vigilance on your part and additional time for your child to learn new rules and expectations.

First, think about your child’s maturity level and their ability to follow through on other responsibilities and rules. Does your child let you know when he will be staying late at school or a friend’s house? Does she observe time limits on home computers, and watching only TV shows or playing games you’ve approved? Does he lose belongings (phones are expensive to replace) at schools or practice? Think about what this says about their readiness for the responsibility of a phone.

I asked a member of the YFS Healthy Youth Initiative Parent Action Team about your question. She notes that for many middle schoolers, acquiring a cell phone is a sort of rite of passage. If you go this direction, parents can take it as an opportunity to convey confidence in your child’s ability to use the phone appropriately and to share in their enthusiasm. Like learning to ride a bike — a phone can bring a freedom that most youth will use well. Even so, it’s important to bear in mind that teen brains are not set up for complete self regulation and most teens will need external controls.

Some considerations for youth growing up “digital natives”:

1. Cell phones are a privilege and must only be used appropriately

2. Misuse or irresponsibility will have predictable consequences

3. Suggested rules:

• Set specific hours of use (amount and time of day). Some parents set a turn-off time through the carrier.

• Set allowable locations; what areas are off limits for use? I.e. not in the bedroom, classroom or at family gatherings.

• Following all related school policies is required.

• Establish etiquette and communication guidelines: word choice conveys tone; only communicate in a manner you would if face-to-face.

• Set safety rules: with whom is it acceptable to communicate, which types of sites are permissible (or not) viewing and what must be reported to parents.

Consider a family media contract that outlines rules, responsibilities and expectations for both youth and parents. Templates for agreements can be found online and tailored for your families use.

An excellent source is Common Sense Media (www.commonsensemedia.org ), a nonprofit digital education site, with an FAQ about responsible cellphone use, phone readiness, rule-making, deciding what phones and plans to purchase and keeping tabs on your kids on their devices.

At the end of the day, your child will look to you for cues on phone use behaviors. Remember that you are their primary role model for technology use and act accordingly. That said, delaying phone privileges has never damaged any youth I know and is lauded by many Island parents.

Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov.org.