Dear YFS,
What do I do when my kid clings onto me for dear life at the door of the school on the first day?
CP
Dear CP,
Hysterical children clinging to parents at the entrance to school is an image immortalized in pop culture, media and film. Unfortunately, the image of an angry or scared child and distraught parent locked in a battle for control might be the first image found when searching for “school anxiety” on the internet.
However, it is no laughing matter for parent or child and should not just be written off as a rite of passage. Nor should it be presumed to indicate deeper psychological issues are at hand.
In fact, like other forms of anxiety, fears around attending school on the first day are normal and can be handled like other new experiences in a child’s life.
When Youth and Family Services elementary school counselors assist in these situations (and all have), they help both the parent and child. Both have a role to play in the interaction and the solution.
Most often, parents need reassurance that setting a firm but loving limit about attending school is OK — and then they need support because seeing those tears can sure hurt.
Children need reassurance from adults at school that they will be OK, a safe place to share those feelings and sometimes also to be met individually at the front door for a few days.
After helping both parent and child, counselors keep an eye out to ensure that the big episode of school anxiety is not also a window into deeper emotional or relational issues that need attention.
Otherwise, overcoming and adapting to social fears and challenges is an important learning opportunity— especially on Mercer Island where many youth can internalize the elevated sense of competition and pressure to succeed.
On Mercer Island, older youth also need not to be saved from their emotional pain or challenges so they too can build emotional resilience. Nor should their anxiety, often rooted in pressure to succeed, be ignored because they tend to “tantrum on the inside.”
I believe the tide is turning and more youth and parents are dealing effectively with anxiety. It is more obvious in small children than with teens who learn to front invulnerability and outward success.
Talking openly about pressures to succeed and feelings of anxiety with children of all ages is needed — both for parents with the archetypal sobbing child latched to the pant leg as well as with teens hiding their need for support.
Addressing both directly, with love and pride, is what I call “success.”
Best, Cindy
Cindy Goodwin is the director of Mercer Island Youth and Family Services. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only and to guide you in seeking further resources if needed. The answers to questions are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, psychological, financial, medical, legal or other professional advice. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, or if you need additional professional resources, email miyfs@mercergov. org.
