Dear YFS,
My daughter and son are just now receiving acceptance letters from colleges for the coming fall and my husband and I will soon be empty nesters. I used to think I’d feel joy in anticipating finally getting alone time with my spouse but I am concerned that without our kids, we might no longer have enough in common. Is this normal? I hear other moms express happiness for our kids getting into their college of choice (and getting out of the house), but I’m not hearing any talk about this.
MM
Dear MM,
Your concerns are completely normal. Uncertainty about changes in the dynamics of your marriage are common simply because there are changes that take place with any big shift in the family composition, such as when the last kid launches.
All members of a family system unconsciously tend to play some role that helps the whole family find some level of balance and functioning. Each member, adults and kids, do this by modifying their behavior to help the family stay as close as possible and function as best as it can. Typical roles (not good or bad) include scapegoat, enabler, family hero, lost child, victim and so on. These family roles can be functional, dysfunctional, or, usually, somewhere in the middle.
At Youth and Family Services we often see families when one or more of these roles becomes too stressful and difficult for one family member to maintain — they then act out in such a way as to signal for help.
When your last child leaves for college, the role they played in helping stabilizing the family system leaves with them. This can be very scary for those left behind because your own roles now need to adjust to compensate. For a couple that has been oriented around the parent role for 18 or more years, this adjustment can be daunting, but also be extremely rewarding.
First, you and your spouse need to give each other the freedom to honestly recognize what you have, now, between you both and what you don’t. Emptying the nest is scary, in part, because it becomes hard to avoid the issues in your marriage from which your kids may have distracted you. Face this head-on and say what you really think and feel — instead of what you should or what your old family role tells you to.
Your job will be to realign your marriage and adjust to new roles. You still have your kids in common, just not in the same way. Go on dates. Discuss interests. Give yourself time and be patient. And don’t worry about no one else seeming to have these issues. They likely do and, like you, need to sort it out personally before talking about it on social media or waiting in line for coffee And remember, most marriages go through this sorting out where people find again the same wonderful partner with whom they began their early marriage and family.
Cindy Goodwin is the director YFS. The advice offered by YFS is intended for informational purposes only. If you have a question you would like to ask Cindy to answer in this column, email miyfs@mercergov.org.
